It was dark in the woods, for the leafy canopy blocked out all the sunlight.
Carla made her way through the woods. She could hear nothing, not even the horses and carriages from the nearby road.
There was a small pond up ahead. it glistened in the faint light. Carla walked up to the edge of the pond and dipped her finger in the coolness of the water.
There was a splash in the middle of the pond. Clara looked up and saw the end of a... mermaids tail? Carla rubbed her eyes and looked again. Nothing.
She sat on the bank and daydreamed. "Hello!" cried a cheerful voice, "Please come into the water, it's beautiful!"
Carla snapped out of her daydream and looked down. She saw a trail of bubbles going toward the center of the pond. Suddenly, a beautiful mermaid jumped up and did a perfect air-flip!
Carla watched every move that the mermaid made. Then, she slowly whispered, "Oh, Lord."
The mermaid turned to her and said, "Why won't you speak? Sea urchin got your tongue?"
Carla was speechless. "You speak English?" she stammered.
"Why of course!" answered the mermaid, "What else would I speak, sharkish?"
"Anyway," said the mermaid, drifting closer with each word, "Are you sure you won't come into the water?"
"I'm pretty sure," said Carla uncertainly.
In a flash, the mermaids hands shot out and grabbed Carla's ankles, dragging her into the water.
Carla splashed around, sputtering and coughing.
"Here, take this," said the mermaid, shoving a piece of purple seaweed into Carla's mouth. "And don't open your mouth." With that, she dragged Carla under the water.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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If you want to make this a little believable make sure you add things like how Carla got there and describe what the place looks like—not too much detail but an idea of the location helps the reader 'imagine' the story.
The mermaid scene took place too quickly. It isn't every day that you see a mermaid (or do you?) and Carla shows no emotion or doesn't act. I liked the purple seaweed, I'm guessing that will allow her to breath underwater?
You'll need to avoid beginning every paragraph with 'Carla'.
This isn't bad, but it's a little short. Let us get to know Carla a little more and I would suggest making the dialogue between the mermaid and Carla a little longer, since I was just getting into the fact that Carla was talking to a mermaid when she was suddenly dragged underwater.
And by the way, are you absolutely SURE you're nine? Just kidding.
P.S I would also think about giving this thing a proper title. just a thought.
-Tony